Insights on the Family: The Healing Power of Forgiveness

"I, the Lord, will forgive whom I will forgive, but of you it is required to forgive all men" (Doctrine and Covenants 64:10).

Lost and Found
gregolsen.com

Forgiveness and Repentance go hand-in-hand. We all make mistakes, some larger and some smaller, and we are all required to forgive and repent. It is good to be forgiven, but it is most important to be forgiving. Having a forgiving heart is healthier physically and emotionally, and it also builds stronger relationships.

Elaine Walton and Hilary Hendricks shared that "for victims of serious offenses, Elder Richard G. Scott recommended forgiveness--although it is 'most difficult'-- [it is] 'the sure path to peace and healing.' And President Gordon B. Hinckley emphasized that forgiveness 'may be the greatest virtue on earth, and certainly the most needed'" (Successful Marriages and Families, p. 203).

Chris Williams shares his experience with forgiveness and the power it has not only in his own healing, but in the healing of everyone else involved. I love his concluding words, "I'm grateful that God allows tragedies and trials to occur in our lives. Not because they're easy or because they're desired, but because they help us love." I think this captures the essence of forgiveness, we become more capable of love when we forgive. We are able to see others as God sees them, and we are able to understand better God's love for us. We are all in need of forgiveness, and thankfully, through the atonement of Jesus Christ, we are all capable of forgiveness.

In the book I have referenced, the author shares five steps that Everett Worthington has found as a path of forgiveness:

1. Recall the hurt. This is acknowledging that something was wrong.
2. Empathize. This is being able to see the perspective of others.
3. Offer the altruistic gift of forgiveness.
4. Commit publicly to forgive. Sharing the commitment to forgive with others makes it more likely to happen.
5. Hold on to forgiveness. This means moving forward. Don't let the pain of the past haunt the future.

"Today Is the Day to Forgive. Knowing how imperfect we are, surely we can extend healing forgiveness to those we love" (Happiness in Family Life).

Forgiveness is something that comes from within and happens inside of the forgiver. Again the book I am reading  says, "forgiveness is for the benefit of the victim." It is the only way to truly be free of the burdens of resentment, anger, blame, and other negative emotions. When we clear those feelings away, we are better able to love, feel empathy, humility, and other feelings that make us better people.

Today is the day we need to forgive. So when someone in our family irritates us, let us be forgiving. When we are out and about on the town, be forgiving. It is something we can do everywhere.

Insights on the Family: The Strengthening Power of Prayer

"Prepare every needful thing and establish a house, even a house of prayer, a house of fasting, a house of faith, a house of learning, a house of glory, a house of order, a house of God" (Doctrine and Covenants 109:8).

President Thomas S. Monson counseled, "Remember to pray fervently. To those within the sound of my voice who are struggling with challenges and difficulties, large and small, prayer is the provider of spiritual strength. It is the passport to peace. Prayer is the means by which we approach our Father in Heaven who loves us. Speak to Him in prayer. And then listen for the answer. Miracles are wrought through prayer" (Be Your Best Self).

"Prayer can restore harmony and
promote a greater desire to work together" (Lambert, p. 199)

Nathan Lambert wrote that "prayer is the means by which individuals may invite God to play an active role in their relationship" (Successful Marriages and Families, p. 197). Lambert continues to share how as families and couples pray for the members of their families their view and perception of that person changes. They come to see the person and the relationship in a more holy and sacred way. Prayer helps heal conflict and helps families form goals that help the relationship grow. Prayer helps couples and families be more unified.

After prayer hugs

Prayer has been an important part of my life long before I had my own family. When Clark and I married we started the tradition of prayer together morning and night. We had heard counsel to couples from church leaders that it was very important to never go to bed without first praying together. President Monson had received the same counsel and was told that as they prayed aloud together on bended knee, "misunderstandings that develop[ed] during the day will vanish as you pray. You simply can't pray together and retain anything but the best of feelings toward one another." So we have strove to keep this commitment, and I feel it is a unifying experience. As children came along, we held an additional prayer together in the evening as a family. When I am organized and doing well, we also hold a morning prayer together as a family. I can't think of sending my children off to school or other activities without know we have knelt together and prayed.

My heart feels love and gratitude when my own children will request prayers. I loved hearing my son ask that we pray (while we were sitting in the van ready to pull out to go somewhere), or another one asks that we pray for a family that we know that is struggling. These experience impress in my mind the amazing power prayer has in shaping who we are and our relationships with each other. My children become more other-concerned and their heart are turned to serving and caring for others. I am sure that as we continue to keep praying in our family we will continue to be shaped and bettered because of it.

Insights on the Family: The Importance of Faith

"Successful marriages and families are established and maintained on principles of faith [and] prayer."

The Family: A Proclamation to the World

If faith is an important part of having a successful family, then I think it is important to understand what faith is. In Hebrews 11:1 from the New Testament, faith is described as a "substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen."

In the Book of Mormon we read that "faith is not to have a perfect knowledge of things; therefore if ye have faith ye hope for things which are not seen, which are true" (Alma 32:21).

The dictionary version of faith Google gave is that faith is "complete trust or confidence in someone or something."

This definition and the scriptures brought to my memory Indiana Jones. Now I honestly can't remember this movie very well, but I do remember this Jones character had to face a test of faith. He knew there was a bridge crossing a great chasm, and yet the bridge was invisible until he took the first step. Faith is a vision of something you hope for, you hope it is good or real, but it is not something you don't have complete knowledge of. 

There is a correlation between faith and the quality of family life. "Faith is a principle of action and power. Whenever you work toward a worthy goal, you exercise faith. You show your hope for something that you cannot yet see" (True to the Faith). When a family has hope or beliefs that they are all unified on, this gives the family strength, purpose, and direction.

If you have been reading my blog faithfully, you might remember how I shared a quote from Randall Ridd about the power of having direction in life. The idea was shared that a rower will have no energy to row if he or she doesn't have a destination in mind. When the rower has a destination in mind, they are able to go forward with more vigor. Faith gives us that vigor. We have a view of something we hope for, and faith is the energy that keeps us working toward it.

Our daughter's first trip to go into the temple.

There are three dimensions of faith that are explained in the book I am reading, "Successful Marriages and Families: Proclamation Principles and Research Perspectives," they are religious community, religious practices, and religious beliefs. I can see how these three dimensions have played out in my own life. I have faith that through the covenants my family has made in the temple that we can be sealed as a family forever. That means that when this life is over I will still get to be Clark's wife, I will still get to be my children's mother, I will still get to be my parents' daughter, etc. We can be linked together forever. There will not be a "'til death do us part."

Those are my beliefs, and those beliefs are strengthened as I am active in my religious community. This community also helps to shape and influence my children; teaching them morals and values that will help my children grow into good adults that will have families of their own.

Our son's baptism

We then continue to strengthen our faith and beliefs as we practice our religion. Our lives are influenced for the better as we live our faith. In the marriage and family book it shares how a study found that "highly religious teenagers appear to be doing much better in life than less religious teenagers" (p.190). I believe this is the case because the teenagers have a view of what the purpose of life is. They have a direction to take in life because of their faith.

I hope that my children will continue to see life through eyes of faith, because I know as they turn their hearts toward God they will have the vigor and energy to press forward and make the most of life.

Insights on the Family: Extended Family Lending Support--Continued Parenting

Extended families should lend support when needed.

The Family: A Proclamation to the World

Grandma Siler snuggling with our first little one.

The Proclamation was given in 1995 when I was just a young teenager. Through the years I would read this proclamation or hear it quoted. In this particular quote, that extended families should lend support when needed, I often thought it meant parents  should step in to help their adult children when needs arise. This might come in the form of helping them move, helping with child care, allowing the struggling family to live in their home for a time, checking in on the family through phone calls or other means, and so much more.

I know the parents in my life have done these things for my family as well the families of my siblings and in-laws. I have seen siblings moving in to my parents' home when they were transitioning jobs or homes. I have seen grandparents watching grandchildren when the parents were unable to be home. All these acts of love help strengthen these families and give the aid they need through stressful times.

Grandpa Rowe exploring with our two oldest.

Now that I am older, my family is getting older, my parents are getting older, ... everyone is getting older! I see that there is another side to this statement. In the book I have been referencing in this series of posts on the family, I have learned that the "the probability of living to 65 has doubled." The text shares that in 1900 the average life expectancy was 49 years old, while to day it is 77! That is quite the change. With people living longer, the need for the younger generation to step up and care for their elders has increased.

It is important for us to watch out for our family whether they are young or old. In this video clip the people are serving an elderly man who needs help, this is the kind of love and service we should give to our family as well as in our community. President Ezra Taft Benson said:

"We encourage families to give their elderly parents and grandparents the love, care, and attention they deserve. Let us remember the scriptural command that we must care for those of our own house lest we be found "worse than an infidel" (1 Timothy 5:8). ... If they become less able to live independently, then family, Church, and community resources may be needed to help them. When the elderly become unable to care for themselves, even with supplemental aid, care can be provided in the home of a family member when possible" (To The Elderly in the Church).

I am thankful for the love and support extended family has given to me, and I hope that throughout my life I can lend love and support as well. It is "important that family members work together and support each other. Despite the demands of care giving, this labor of love also brings significant blessings" (Chapter 17).

Insights on the Family: The Importance of Fathers

"Honour thy father and thy mother."

Exodus 20:12

I am very thankful for the fathers and men in my life. I have been blessed with my own good father, a good father-in-law, good brothers (and in-laws), and most of all a good husband. All these men have great influence in not only my life but in the lives of my children.

Clark has taught our children the excitement of exploring.

Through my husband my children have learned so many things. They have learned how to cook, clean, bake, and shop. Seriously, he is better at all these things than me and has done a great job in helping our children learn these skills. He has also helped them learn that life can be fun through the great humor he brings into our home. There is great power and influence in just having a father home and involved in his family's life. His influence and presence brings about security and confidence in the children.

In a book I am reading, "Successful Marriages and Families: Proclamation Principles and Research Perspectives," John Snarey is quoted as saying, "Good fathering, it seems, really does matter. It matters over a long time, over a lifetime, and even over generations" (pg. 141). He says this because there is so much opposition that has come in the face of fathers, questioning whether the presence of a father really matters. This same book shares that fatherhood is generative work.  This means that fathers teach through "caring activities that nurture relationships, foster growth, and enable the transmission of values between generations."

My own father has been a great example to me of doing generative work. As his children grew to adulthood and left home, he started sending out a weekly emails to them (and eventually to spouses and grandchildren as they entered the scene). He has passed on his faith and testimony, he has taught us values and history, and he has helped keep the family connected to each other. He has been an example of working hard as well as continued learning through reading and study. He has made himself available to his children and grandchildren through being present and listening to them. There have been many times (sometimes multiple times a week) where I will turn to my dad to ask him questions and share what is going on in my life--and he listens and responds with love and patience. This nonjudgmental love and concern for me and for my family has given us something more powerful than anything that could be bought. He has passed onto us something that is spiritual, something that will bless our family for generations--just as his own father did.

My book concludes with quoting President James E. Faust's "observation that the bonds of parents and children are revealed 'in family relationships, in attributes and virtues developed in a nurturing environment, and in loving service.' [The text then summarizes that] As fathers practice these essential principles [of being a spiritual leader, partnering with his wife and others in the child's life, being present, providing and protecting] in their lives and relationships, they fulfill their own potential and guide the rising generation toward achieving the divine potential that resides in each of us as 'a beloved spirit son or daughter of heavenly parents.'"

The importance of fathers in the lives of their families cannot be measured. I know my family and my own life would not be the same without these men in my life. Their influence, example, and power they bring with them has great shaping abilities that make my children and me the people we are. This influence goes on for generations.

Let the fathers in your life know how much you loved them and appreciate them. Not just on Father's Day, but always.